My Risk or Challenge

New Years Day

Have you ever lost someone so important to you that it risked how you would show your emotions? Have you? I will tell you now, It hurts. It's challenging and scary, I was awoken by a bright flash of white light and the smell of a nice warm breakfast on the 1st of January 2011. I felt slightly nauseous, which signalled something was up. I was slightly startled when I checked the time, It was around 9:30 am. My parents never let me sleep in that late. I got up and slowly walked down to the usually brightly lit lounge, it was dark this time. The bright colours had faded; I could see my whanau was sitting there, just sitting there, like they were waiting for me. I went and sat down on the soft, fluffy, rug beside my cousin and brother. I could tell something was up.

Dad had been in the hospital for a while and it was the day we were going to see him. He recently underwent his 3rd heart surgery and was in the recovery unit, or at least I thought he was. Little did I know that what my mother was just about to tell me was going to make my life as a 9 year old a lot harder. It was right after Christmas that he went into the E.R. Weak, pale, high temperature and blurred vision. It is something to be wheeled into a hospital, but it is worse seeing one of your family members being wheeled in and you can't do anything about it.

When I sat down I felt like my world was about to be shaken and beaten. I felt like something was happening and no one was going to tell me. It felt like time had frozen. I felt like I was being challenged and threatened. I didn't feel any emotions, just emptiness. It felt like I was the only one in the room. I could slightly see my brother through blurred eyes and wondered why he looked sad and alone. No one took any notice of him, it made me riveting that they “didn’t care” about him, That they only cared about dad’s baby girl. I felt isolated at that exact point in time.

Then mum said the words I wish she never had to say. She said “ I’m sorry my baby girl. But dad isn't coming home. He passed away this morning.” Everyone started crying, But all I could here was a voice saying ‘Why why why. It wasn't his time. He should be here with me. But he wasn't. I lost my appetite and started balling my eyes out, as I had just lost my hero, a father, and a best friend in one.

The whole family started hugging me and asking if I was OK, telling me it will be OK and making me feel enclosed, claustrophobic, uneasy and dizzy. I could see everyone helping and hugging each other. I could also see Aiden just sitting there oblivious to everything that was going on. I could hear the sound of family members crying out. All I wanted was to be alone, all I wanted was to see him again, all I wanted was for mum to be happy. I was scared and felt alone in the dark void I now called home, I wanted him back so I could keep my life on track. But it was too late. For the next week, I had to be force fed and refused to go see or talk to anyone outside the house.

I have now learnt to empathise and sympathise others who may and are going through the same thing I went through. I also now know how to deal with these problems and have started opening up about it. As I said it hurts.